Dear Diary. Mood: Apathetic

Step back, shut down. The ultimate defense mechanism.

I've noticed that I do it quite a bit. Whenever I just feel overwhelmed by something I just say fuck it, then I step back and I shut down. Well I'm not going to do it anymore. I guess I'm growing up, I'm going on my 3rd year of college. I know this is totally cliche, but I feel misunderstood by EVERYONE. I feel like I go through my life only giving certain people certain views of me. Like everyone gets a different mask. Not just irl, online too. That isn't me. I just say whatever "Vodka" would say and people take it however they want to take it. 95% of the time they take it way harsher than I intended it to be.

I just try so hard to be what everyone expects of me, I don't understand what I do that constantly makes them expect so much. It freaks me out. That's when I step back and I shut down. Shut up and zone out. Drop whatever I'm working on and sit there. I've spent so much of my life in a helpless state, and now that I actually have the abilities to adapt and overcome, I still shut down. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I'm going to do everything within my power to fix it.

Anyway on to other things. We had our last ASI Retreat Day today. It was a lot of fun. We all met up at the Money Pit and had lunch, then we went and had our meeting and went over our job expectations on campus. Everyone keeps talking about how this is the most energetic BOD we've had in years.

I've just noticed that I always feel so much better when I'm a part of something. When I was in middle school I wanted to be a performer. So I joined the Drama Academy. I learned how to act and dance and me and everyone else in the academy went to acting competitions. We traveled from school to school performing dances for elementary school kids. I performed Shakespeare in a real theatre on stage. I don't remember any of those kids names anymore except for Anush because her name was awesome, Ericka because she was the funniest female I've ever met in my life, and Jake Thomas because he was famous. Then in the 9th grade I joined campus beautification and we built the butterfly house. In the 10th grade I joined the steering committee and had so much fucking fun running shit and being a baller in general. In the 11th grade I joined Free the Children, we raised money and bought a mating cow for a village in Uganda. In the 12th grade I did Model UN. In my first year I did BSU and my second year. And now I have ASI.

Yes there are times when I'm just like "Fuck it, I don't want to do anything." But not doing anything never does anything for me. I need to be busy, that's just the type of person I am. I've had so many moments where I just want to lay in bed and not get up but I can't do that anymore. It turns me into a jaded, boring, lack lustre person. Seriously when I'm not doing anything, it's like 60% of my entire personality evaporates. It's time to grow the fuck up. I just updated my status on my facebook to "I'm an amazing person," because I am an amazing person. No matter what anyone thinks about me, or think they know about me, I know me. I know that I'm a bad ass motherfucker. I'm so fucking serious, at this point I don't give a shit who loves me and who doesn't. Who thinks I'm worth their time and who doesn't. I'm just going to do me. I'm tired of trying to please people and telling them what they want to hear. If someone wants to be there for me, then I'm going to be there for them, and if they don't want to be there for me, then they can kiss my amazing black ass.

I'm sleepy I'm going to bed.

Peace out.