I don't have the time to have problems

So for a long time now I've had problems with food, I just didn't tell anyone because every girl has problems with food to an extent. I don't feel like it's as big of a problem as it is with other people. Like whenever I feel myself stressed, like breaking point stressed, I go through phases where I either eat way too much and throw up or I don't eat at all. It really has nothing to do with weight. Honestly on my list of things to worry about, my weight is at the very bottom. It has more to do with stress than anything. Eating too much was usually the easiest option when I lived with my mom and my grandma because we never ran out of food. But now being a starving college student, it's not as feasible as just not eating at all.

I really don't like crying, so when I throw up it's just like all the bad feelings are just exiting out of me so I don't have to cry or feel bad. I just let it all up. This is why I hate throwing up, because I get that feeling and I don't want to get hooked on it like I was. For a long time it was my crutch, and no one noticed because as long as I'm not royally fucking up it doesn't matter what I do. To them I was just losing weight, they didn't know how. Finally I told someone and I got help.

So now for about 3 years I've gone and I've controlled it, I admit I've indulged here and there but not enough for it to completely affect my body and the way I feel about myself. I didn't let it get out of hand until very recently. Money stress, uncertainty about my future, change, and most recently losing 2 people very close to me. I just kind of went into an overhaul. I still haven't been eating correctly. I went from not eating at all, to eating and throwing it up, but I really don't want this to get the best of me. I was really contemplating going to the hospital as soon as I was able to move out, I told my mom and everything that I wanted to go. But I'm getting to a point where I feel that I can control it without having to be on watch 24/7. I've graduated to at least making a point to eat one meal a day.

I just really can't wait to be over this. I hate feeling like I'm a slave to myself. I go through my day, I try to plan out my meals but my plans just get broken. When I think about food I just feel like "ugh I really don't want to deal with it right now" so I just do something else. I've tried to talk to someone but the counselor was a fucking dipshit. I could tell she didn't know anything about eating disorders so she constantly focused on my drinking and weed smoking. I do drink but I wouldn't say I abused alcohol. I know my limits, I never binge. And weed is just weed, I don't even smoke it regularly. And I'm just like "Lady, I just need help dealing with my stress so I won't have to do this," and she kept giving me the deep breathing shit, and meditating and all that shit that doesn't work.

Since I have made progress though I do feel like I could just get therapist and not have to do the whole hospital thing but people around me who know about my problem just wanted to keep pushing it on me and pushing and pushing. It's kind of like that Amy Winehouse song "They try to make me go to rehab but I say no no no." I was going to comply, but I'm a grown ass woman, and I have plans with my summer that I'd rather not spend in a room. So I think I'm just going to try to tackle this one myself. I've done it before and I feel that I can do it again, it just scares me because I'm under way more stress on a regular basis than I was when I was 9-16, and I know ASI is going to have it's moments where I just want to shoot myself. But I'm determined to take control of my own body and mind, and not let it control me. Wish me luck.