I'm so clever

Well I only have a few days left in Van Nuys. I'm going to make the most of it.

PARTY~~

UGHHH

I wish people would stop commenting on my weight loss, and asking me if I'm eating.

NO I'M NOT EATING, FUCK OFF.

My mom said if I keep losing weight SHE'S GOING TO FUCKING DRUG TEST ME. I'm not taking any drugs! I went 3 weeks without eating, now I'm kind of eating again. Like today. I had a piece of chicken, some grapes, a sandwich, and a small bag of cheetoes. Now I legit feel sick. I feel so full I could throw up. It's a horrible feeling.

what do you think of red hair?

I think it's adorable. I love red hair.

Ask me anything

Mass send questions!!!! Amazing chat. Anyway, what is more important to you? Your happiness or the happiness of others?

My happiness. Because there are too many people who just can't be pleased no matter what.

Ask me anything

how did you lose so much weight?

I stopped eating

Ask me anything

Isn't she lovely.

"I've never fooled anyone, I've let people fool themselves, they didn't bother to find out who I was. Instead they would invent a character of me. I wouldn't argue with them, they were obviously loving someone I wasn't." - Marilyn Monroe

Oh shit bro

I'm watching ID and they're talking about cult leaders and followers and how they can be connected to the brain. This guy has basically been doing research and he found out how to take something that someone knows to be false, and have them accept it as truth by manipulating the refutation process. He basically said that once we hear something, our brain automatically accepts it as truth. Then it goes through a process where it decides whether or not it's actually true then decides to either accept it as truth or not.

He even tested it by putting this thing on people's head, I forgot what they called it it's 3 am and I'm all over the place but he'd have the computer say something like "the sky is purple" and then send small electromagnetic waves to effect the brain and it would fuck up the process and people would answer it as true. They said the way Charles Manson was able to get people to believe him would be to make a statement, then do something completely off the wall crazy to distract them so their brains wouldn't have time to process what he was saying as false.

It's so crazy how easy it is to just physically manipulate a brain and once you control a person's brain you control them I guess that's why from birth we're conditioned to follow follow follow because if we weren't, the world would be way different.

What happened with you and remnants?

Ughhhh can we not. Can we really just not. Idfk idfc.

Ask me anything

whats your favorite body part

I really like my clavicle

Ask me anything

The First 48

Damn that show is fucking depressing. I don't know why I watch it.

I'm chillin

Like a villain on penicillin...yeah I never understood that one either.

I can't wait until this weekend. Maybe I'll get to spend next week with my mom. I'm supposed to be visiting her for a bit. I know she won't let me take my cat :( so I guess I'll just have to trust my grandma to remember that spyder exists and take care of him while I'm gone.

I really don't like it here. Everyone perpetuates the Black ghetto stereotype. There's the kids running around with their hair all over the fucking place, being loud and annoying. But all kids are loud and annoying so I guess that's not a big deal. Then there's the middle school/high school kids who walk around in their bright colors and skinny jeans blasting jerkin' music nonstop. JERKIN MUSIC IS NOT COOL. PLEASE STOP PLAYING IT. PLEASE STOP JERKIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET OR I WILL LEARN HOW TO DRIVE, JUST TO HIT YOU WITH MY CAR.

Then there's the "college age" people who don't go to college. And for some reason they just seem upset all the time. The guys just kind of hang on the corner not doing anything. And from them doing that I automatically assume they're dealing drugs. I mean come on, who just hangs on the corner? That's shady. The girls shop. Oh my god do they fucking shop. Especially around the 1st and the 15th when everyone gets their assistance checks, try getting through a Target or a clothing store on the around the 1st or 15th, I fucking dare you. I bet you won't come out alive. Like seriously, we're constantly fighting the stereotype, and they keep perpetuating it. Hot mess weave bitch, if you don't get your ass out of Ross trying on clothes that don't fit, I'm going to kill you.

And of course these old washed out looking "OG's" hang out in front of it. Like wtf, don't you have a job or an xbox or something? Stop standing intimidatingly in front of the goddamn liquor store. Dude you're like 50, you're not dangerous, go watch MacGyver or something.

Fucking ghetto. Fuck this. Ugh.

Stranger Things Have Happened

I'm so weird. I'm like so beyond weird.

I really liked this guy back in high school, and I actually still like him. Like I've done the whole, gush to your friends about him. Fantasize about him. Etc nine yards. But now that there's actually a chance that something is going to happen with us, I freak out. It's just weird. I guess because we've been friends for so long. It's really hard for me to get used to him seeing me, and talking to me in that kind of way when I've been so used to us just being bros.

I like him a lot because he's my only friend who've I've been able to integrate into my online life. Like he knows all my online friends, he's posted on Teenspot and Mental Block, he's been in my skype convos, we share memes, and we're both total computer nerds. But at the same time we enjoy the same shit like movies, music, and stuff. He's always entertaining and easy to get along with. It's kind of wonderful how everything always seems to work itself into place for me.

I'm tired

My throat hurts
My ribs hurt
My back hurts
I can't sleep
My stomach hurts all the time
I constantly go from being really hot to really cold
I'm constantly needed everyday to do the washing, the cooking, to take care of the cats and the dog.
I just feel stressed and tired.
Maybe I should've gone to the hospital. Well it's too late now, and my grandma needs me here.

Speaking of my grandma. If she makes one more comment about my body, or about how I've lost my tits. Or any of that shit. I'm going to hit her in the back of the head with a fucking shovel.

Damn it

I'm being such a bad girl.
A really really bad girl.

Oh my gahh

My grandma is coming home today! I'm so happy about this shit. I really got tired of her being there in the hospital. The main reason I came here early was because I got tired of being alone. Then as soon as I get here she gets sick with pnemonia and has to go to the emergency room and I'm here alone again. Well I always have Spyder, and I have Pikachu. But Pikachu isn't as affectionate as Spyder.

In other news. I'm gonna take a queue from a friend and just put it out there. I'm so fucking sick of people pretending to be profound and deep. Like I'm over it. Yes we've all been through some shit, but it doesn't change the fact that you've barely been on this planet for 20 years, and you're barely out into the real world. Where are you getting this insightful wisdom from? Fiest records? Like it's just so fucking fake the way these teenagers/early 20 year olds pretend to know every fucking thing about life and how to live it. You fucking don't. I had to grow the fuck up at 7 and I don't even pretend to know everything about live and pretend to be deep and insightful. It's just fake. I take life as it comes to me and if I don't know how to deal with it I try to go to someone who actually knows a thing or two about life.

I'm not saying that all wisdom comes with age, because it doesn't. I know some 30 and 40 year olds who still act like retarded 13 year olds. I guess it just takes the kind of personality to recognize mistakes and learn from them. Something I'm trying to do right now. My favorite people to talk to is my grandma, who's 59 and my great-grandpa who's 89. My great-grandpa is the fucking shit. Like whatever I have to complain about he's been through it 10 times over. I really can't wait until I get to see him again.

I've been having the worst fucking anxiety. Little thinks push me over into full blown panic attacks. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, I've been shaking, I can't eat again and I just feel sick and on edge for fucking hours on end. I have a few vicodin but I don't want to take them all so I'm trying to just keep control. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. I'm just not in a good mood. I got invited to a graduation party all the way in fucking Lancaster in a few days, and fucking hell I don't want to go. LANCASTER IS LIKE 2 FUCKING HOURS AWAY. And I don't even really know the chick who's having the party. But my grandma says we're going so whatever, I'll just put on my "pretend to actually like people" attitude and I guess I'll have a good time.

Ughh part 2

I guess I'm just having an off day. It seems like it's been such a long time but it's only been a few weeks since. I don't know why I'm still feeling like this though. I just want to feel good, I just want these thoughts to go away. Why is that so much to ask? I dislike being able to control everything except my fucking brain.

Ugh

As people we all have multiple dimensions, but we can only portray one dimension at a time. I know I do it, and I'm trying not to when I say shit about people. But damn, said people really need to stop constantly just showing me their bitch dimension then maybe I'd stop calling them a bitch.

I went running today

Holy motherfuck I'm out of shape.
Depressing.

I don't know why I'm watching the NBA Finals. I find most sports really boring. I know this is really mean, but I don't want the Lakers to win simply because the last time they won we had this huge obnoxious parade. Wasted so much money. Or at least if they do win they don't pull that shit again. We don't have the money for it, and all it does is leave a huge mess. Like they go and pull this parade shit, then bitch when they don't have enough money for books and they have to furlough the fuck out of the school year. Set some goddamn priorities.

Decisions

So I've definitely decided on my tattoo. Well I've been decided on this for about 5 years now. I'm going to get Banksy's balloon girl tattooed on the right side of my back. I love this so much, I always have. This is my favorite panting, I think it's beautiful. I love all of Banksy's work. I just love the way he goes about it. He doesn't do this for fame or fortune. He just does it to send a message.

This is called There's Always Hope. Because there is always hope. No matter what happens there's always hope that something good will come out of it. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. Like I thought once I got here, I wouldn't have any money stress. I let go all of my relationship stress. The dust has settled, and I'd get better. But I'm not getting better. I still can't eat. Yesterday I had a hand full of potato chips. The day before that I had 2 granola bars. WHAT THE FUCK. Like I don't understand what's going on here. I want to eat I just physically can't. When I do eat more than usually I feel so fucking sick. My stomach hurts so bad to the point where I have to throw up just to make the pain stop. I thought it was physical but I went to the doctor and she said nothing was wrong with me. This is legit pissing me off. My grandma saw me and totally flipped out. She was all "Have you been eating? You're so skinny!" Firstly, I'm not skinny. I don't think I'll ever be skinny. But yeah, from what I was I do look pretty skinny. I lied and told her I was eating because I didn't want her to freak out and tell my mom that I haven't been eating. It's not that I don't want to, I physically can not do it.

Religion gives people who don't have the answers permission to pretend that they do

I can't remember the quote verbaytum, but it's pretty fucking true. I watched Religulous today, and it really suprised the hell out of me the crazy ass impossible things that people are willing to believe in. I will never understand people choosing to live their lives, and even kill, according to words on a page from a long time ago. Words that have been translated and edited for hundreds of years. Have these people not heard of the game telephone? What the fuck are they even thinking?

I just don't understand how people can logically believe that ALL of the religions of the world are ridiculous EXCEPT theirs. Zeus doesn't exist, but Jesus does. There's actually a Puerto Rican dude who believes that he's a distant relative of Jesus. Making him Jesus. AND PEOPLE BELIEVE HIM. Am I being Punk'd? Seriously. Humanity has got to be Punking me. I will never understand how it's so easy to say you're Jesus, and people just believe you. This guy did it, Charles Manson did it, that dude with the Kool Aid did it. Since I was 14 I've joked about Mishellism, damn now I'm contemplating making it a full time religion for the tax exempt status and to get people to throw money at me.

Are people really that co-dependent to the point where they'll depend on someone who doesn't even exist? Like yeah it's a good idea to think that someone is always with you even when you're completely alone, the ultimate imaginary friend. But I believe it's a better idea to just accept the fact that you come into this world alone and you leave alone and you don't know how you got here, why you're here, what you're supposed to do, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and you never will. And you need to fucking deal with it.

People just need to make up their own reasons for living. They need to know all the answers to the point where they'll believe anything. How about rather than "______ has a plan for me, and it's my job to tell everyone that and get them to believe my shit and think the way I think and the world will be perfect." Why am I living my life? Because I strongly believe that one day I'll marry Matt Damon and have 5 of his kids. I just don't understand how these people are allowed to believe this shit, and will fucking behead you if you don't. Aren't we a bit too advanced for this shit?

Another thing I will never understand. Black people and White Jesus, and even Black people and Black Jesus. African's were not Christians when they were brought over here to be slaves. It was forced upon them by their White slave owners to get rid of their culture. Black people were forced to drop every ounce of their culture, language and religion because it was "barbaric" and to live in their world you had to adhere to their customs and beliefs. And even to this day there are millions of decendents of these people worshipping a religion that was beaten into them. Actually, the main reason anyone worships any religion is because it was forced onto them by the people who conquered them. So there are billions of people worshipping something just because their ancestors were told "If you don't believe this I'll fucking kill you." And even today when people have the freedom to not follow a religion that their distant relatives got their throats cut over, they still do it. And will sometimes cut someone elses throat over it. What. Thee. Fucketh. If there's a God/ess/s/, best fucking troll ever.

Okay I'm done going on about this now. This show on black holes needs my undivided attention. Speaking of science nerd tv shows. Wednesday. Worm Holes with Morgan Freeman. Who's fucking excited? This bitch right here.

BTW while I was writing this an earthquake hit and my whole room was shaking for a good 5 seconds. LOOKS LIKE I PISSED SOMEONE OFF.

My health insurance is shitty

So if I were to go to the hospital I'd only be covered for 14 days.

Would it even really be worth it then? I can easily see myself following their rules for 14 days to please them then going right back to what I'm doing right now as soon as I get out.

Uhh yeah. I'm fucked.

I feel like I just got hit by a truck.

I don't even know why I rambled so much in this

So I was reading PerezHilton, yes I like PerezHilton, fucking sue me. So anyway, I was reading PerezHilton and I read that 100,000 people sent in complaints to Fox over an episode of American Dad. Apparently the show featured a horse ejaculating, and actually they didn't even show it. It was implied. But still 100,000 complained and Fox ignored it. Now the FCC is threatening to fine them $25,000, and fine every station that aired the episode.

Like, what the fucking fuck?

Firstly, it wasn't even shown, it was implied, just like all of the sex in Family Guy/American Dad. Secondly, if anyone is offended by implied animal ejaculation MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING THE SHOW IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE. Like who's really going to be that much of a pussy to not be able to take some implied sexual content, and the show regularly contains frank sexual content so no one should be blown out of the water over it. I mean come on, Family guy implied that Brian (a dog) had sex with a woman. OH HOLD THE FUCKING PRESSES HOW DARE A CARTOON KNOWN FOR BEING OFFENSIVE SHOW OFFENSIVE CONTENT.

Frivolous censorship like this seriously pisses me off. Especially with that bullshit "think of the children" line that they always bring up. How about you watch your fucking kids? Parental Controls exist for a goddamn reason. The whole world doesn't have to be sanitized so you don't have to pay attention to your own kids. Stop expecting everyone to do your job for you. We're in the technological age where your kids are going to see some shit, either on tv, in a movie, on the internet, in a video game or texted to them on a cellphone. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. Don't try to get rid of it because it's not going to go away so why don't you try just fucking explaining it to them instead of trying to cover their eyes and pretend that it doesn't exist.

People just irritate my fucking life sometimes. We live in a world where people try way too hard to "push the envelop" and "offend people" it's getting to the point where it's not even funny or entertaining anymore. What ever happened to wit and subtlety? I spent a couple days watching old horror movies, then recent ones. And it seems the recent ones are "lets pack as much blood and titties into 115 minutes at we can." Like wtf, this shit isn't scary, just lame as fuck. An over exaggerated amount of blood doesn't bother me, I bleed every month. Why am I supposed to be freaked out at this?

I'm just sick of this "dumb it down as much as possible" culture. So fucking sick of it. Do people even go to libraries anymore? I went to the library in Vista for the first time to get a library card since I packed up my book case and realized I'd read every book on it more than once. And the place was like deserted. It was weird. I remember back in Van Nuys I used to go to the library and see people all over the place. Most people waiting in line to use the computers, but still there were people reading.

I've gone months without tv, and it hasn't really bothered me at all, because I've found that I spend more time reading, and trying to find things that actually entertain me rather than just clicking my brain off. I'm not gonna say I don't miss tv because I do. I miss those random ass segments of WW2 on the history channel, and Maury, and the Tyra Banks show, and Meerkat Manor. Those Meerkats are fucking awesome, but I also feel that I do better without. I've been reading too much BBC online because this point I'm generally afraid for the entire future of the world.

It's like I'm sitting here inside my bubble of my life, and all of this chaos is going on around me that I don't even know about. I don't really know how to put this into words, knowing me I'll make it sound completely stupid and ridiculous. But I'm tired of people speaking for me, in a way. I'm tired of representatives I didn't vote for making decisions that effect my life. I know it's entirely impossible to live a life that doesn't involve some form of government. But more often than not I find myself just wanting to live in the middle of an island somewhere, and not be involved with the shit that people start. The people who decided to declare war aren't the people fighting it, that bugs me. California choosing to ban gay marriage bugs me because it makes me look bad just for living here when that's not my opinion at all.

I'm just tired of having to ride along with whatever the majority wants. The majority shouldn't be able to speak for me, but they can. The world will never be an equal place because people are always looking for a way to put themselves above someone else. Stupid, prejudice, ill informed, dim witted, easily entertained, instantly gratified, easily offended, lazy, selfish morons.

Sweet

Tomorrow is moving day. I still need to pack the dishes. Clean my bathroom, and wash my clothes. Too bad I'm on my period and I don't want to do anything. I look 5 months pregnant. Not cute.

So I'm just going to sit here on the couch and listen to The Pierces.

Omg Becky

So Draya left Becky to me before she left. I want to keep it but I'm not even sure if I'm going to continue smoking. I don't even know if I'll have time to smoke next semester. I guess I'll keep it anyway for sentimental reasons. I'm really going to miss her. She's really like my big sister, she's always been around ever since I was born. She's the only one who basically knows everything there is to know about me and completely accepts me for who I am. I really couldn't see myself living with someone who wasn't her. But I know eventually we'll be within each other's vicinity again, I'm basically the only person in our family that she trusts.

It's just so quiet here now. I'm so used to her being loud and blasting her radio and just annoying me. I miss being annoyed! D: Now all I get is silence, and the occasional meow. Well I'm moving on Sunday and hopefully then I'll be able to get in touch with my old friends because all my friends here have pretty much left for the summer and gone home. As per usual.

This is why men disgust me.

So there's this guy and he constantly gives me this shit about how he loves me and he feels like he could marry me someday AND I KNOW IT'S BULLSHIT. If he really felt that way, he would be in a relationship with me no matter what. But no, he's with the person who's more convenient right now. He obviously doesn't give a shit about her since he's had feeling for me before her, and basically during the course of their entire fucking relationship. How are you going to be in a relationship with someone when you're constantly telling another person that you love them and how you'd like to have kids with them and all that shit? Its' so fucking unfair to her.

Now he's talking about paying for me to take a vacation with him when it's like super expensive. What the fuck? Why are you shelling 800-1000 dollars to CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND OF OVER A YEAR?? How about spending that money on HER? You just want me because you can't have me. Get the fuck over yourself. This ain't Pretty Woman, I'm not your ho. Drop it bitch, I see right through you.

In my past life

I was a sassy gay male.
True story.

I've decided I'm going as a drag queen to the gender bender ball. I'm gonna be so hawt.